Hello. My name is Emma. I live near a town called Citta di Castello in the Upper Tiber Valley in Umbria. I am a dog. And I like to hunt truffles.

I know what you are thinking. An Italian truffle dog can’t speak English. True enough, but once I got the hang of typing on the keyboard in Italian I was able to figure out how to cut and paste my Italian into the Babelfish translator engine. Look. If I’m smart enough to score a gig digging up truffles for a living don’t you think I’m smart enough to run a simple translator app? You people. Give me a break!

Anyway, let’s talk about me some more. Pretty much every day my buddy Giacomo (he’s the one in the cammo – just to the right of me in the photo, if you can see him – that’s dog humor!) takes me out to a little gated preserve where I told them there were truffles living under the trees. I really don’t know why they couldn’t figure it out for themselves. I mean, you humans are always putting your nose to the grindstone when you should be putting it on the ground. Besides really messing up your nose, you’ll never find a truffle in or remotely near a grindstone. It’s time to wake up and smell the truffles, people. Come on!

So anyway, Giacomo here takes me in the car to the preserve whenever it’s not raining. I really like the car. I stick my head out the window and it makes my eyes water when he goes real fast. I like the sound the wind makes when it whistles through my ears, too. Sometimes just thinking about a car ride makes me drool. Just like that guy Pavlov’s dogs.

Anywho, when we get near the preserve I can start to smell those truffles under the ground. Although the preserve is just across a little street from a cemetery, so maybe I’m just a little confused sometimes. Giacomo lets me out of the car and I generally pee before he unlocks the chain that keeps the big gate shut and keeps other dogs out of my preserve. After we get inside I generally pee again. I like to pee.

Then we generally wait. Until a group of big people who speak your funny language show up. They are generally dressed funny. All in khaki pants or long shorts. And lots of what I understand are baseball caps. They all smile a lot and like to come over and pet me. I like getting petted. Almost as much as peeing.

And then Giacomo’s friend Saverio whispers something to Giacomo and he lets me go. At first I’m not exactly sure where to go. There’s a lot of truffle smell on the ground, but it’s everywhere, so I generally just start running around, sniffing in the smells from the ground. Usually, right around the trees – chestnut, oak – it starts to get stronger and then bingo (yes we dogs play bingo – who do you think the game was named after?) I just know one is there, just below the surface.

When I was just a pup I used to scratch the ground furiously to dig up the truffle. I don’t really like them all that much, even though they smell great, but when I find them Giacomo gives me a biscuit. And I really like biscuits. Almost as much as peeing. So I like to find them for Giacomo.

Anywho, I used to dig them up but Giacomo “suggested” that when I find one I should fall down on the ground and play dead. I’m not sure I really like playing dead. I had a friend that liked to chase cars and one day after he caught one he fell down and played dead. He’s still playing.  I think. That’s way too serious for me.

Even so, I fall down and roll on my side until Giacomo and Saverio and the funny dressed people finally make it up the hills and through the trees. By now I am getting very hungry because I know that in a minute or so I will dig up a big truffle (I just know it is there just under the surface. I can almost taste it, it is so apparent. Why don’t you people see it? Are you just playing games, too?). And when I dig one up everyone cheers and Giacomo gives me a biscuit. Can’t you all hurry? I’m dying here, not just playing dead.

Finally they arrive and I get to dig. I really dig digging, if you dig. But I am pretty careful not to dig too deep or too fast because sometimes I tear the truffle from the ground and then everyone seems to get mad and I don’t get a biscuit. So I stop and let Giacomo “find” the truffle. He points it out and hands that big stick – I think he calls it a vanga or vanghina – to one of the funny dressed people and they dig it out of the ground – why don’t they just use their paws? – and everyone cheers and I get a biscuit. Then everyone passes it around and sniffs it. That’s what I’m talking about. They are so funny, though, because when they sniff it some of the people slowly roll their heads back, their eyes roll back and they move slowly, like they just got hit by a car. And they get a funny smile on their face. Other people snap the truffle away from their noses, though, and make ugly faces, like they got hit by a car. Like the Eskimos with their snow, we dogs have 40 different words for getting hit by a car.

Anywho, all the people pass the truffle around and make hit-by-car faces and finally they put it in a big leather bag that looks like a European man-purse and I’m back off to the races. I could do this forever, running around the trees in circles, sniffing the ground, getting to scratch and dig, having people pet me and getting biscuits. And the people seem pretty happy, too, with all the truffles in the bag, especially Saverio.

I’ve heard that when people have a nice, cushy thing going they say, “it’s a dog’s life.” If they really knew, they would say, “it’s a truffle dog’s life.”

Ci vediamo!
Emma
(for Bill and Suzy)